this post is more of a free write...just need to get my thoughts out!
so i've been super frustrated and angry with life lately, and im not sure why. im so burnt out with work. i'm so tired of getting up about 11am, showering, getting ready for work. work from 2-10pm. come home, stay up till 2am. and then start all over. i hate the night shift. 1. because my daily schedule is lazy and stupid. 2. because i dont see brandon. he works days. i work nights. he has weekends off. i work weekends. i miss having atleast 2 days off in a row. non of this work 3-7 days and then 1 day off. i used to be able to work 5 days no prob...but that was a sit down job. this job im constantly walking and on my feet...which i love. but sometimes i just cant do it. and then on top of work, school is in my mind. i want to go to school, i want to learn and keep my brain stimulated, BUT the thought of school for years makes me cry (literally). everytime we pull out the school schedule i cry. i think the reason why is because, i work fulltime, we want to start a family this year and those 2 things alone/together will KILL me. i HATE that i have to be a working mom. hate it! i've always wanted to be a stay at home mom...and maybe thats why i never really thought of going to school, because i was gonna be a mom and didnt have to. so now that im gonna be a working mom (hate it) i should find a good demanding field...medical. ew. and fun. but how in the world am i gonna work fulltime, be prego/mom AND go to school??? (crying). i feel like so much is expected of me and i cant do it and i'll fail and just be a let down. maybe this is why i've been so dang cranky? we're also trying very hard to go to church weekly, pray & read daily, temple once a month (for now-then up that to weekly) and all of the daily things we should be doing. BUT its very hard when i work late and then have to get up for 9am church. AND when i have a husband who is sick alot. so i end up going alone. sometimes i just feel like im in this alone. why cant he just push himself harder to go to chuch. why can't he just take charge and be the priesthood holder in the family. why cant HE just go to stupid medical school?!
i miss having time for myself. i miss music, my guitar, my camera, and the dang SUN!!! i hate this snow, so cold and depressing. i miss wearing shorts and flip flops. im ready to go camping, running, hiking and all the fun things you do outdoors. *sigh*
and my house is still a MESS from the floors being put in. they're in (so pretty) but just have to putty, sand and stain. then i can do some deep sawdust cleaning. i CANT wait, i've been going crazy with dust in every.single.crevice of my house.
i pray for better days. for a better attitude. and to be a stay at home mom.
4 comments:
You should schedule a fun weekend in once a month where you have to take off work and just do it. Go to St George or somewhere warm. A little break will go a long way...
Why dont you be a photographer??
You have to make time for you. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of everything else. I think one weekend a month for something you love is a MUST. Hang in there Jillyn and remember to come up for air.
PS You are a great photographer!
Here is the secret, you just do what you have to do. It doesn't make it easy, but you can do it.
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